Ok, so if I had to be honest I almost gave up on this blog. I was going through some thangsss, and got down and out for a minute while some relationships in my life needed to find a way to purge themselves.
Like I said in my previous post, I am a hopeless romantic. And often times my desire to love and be loved becomes a huge distraction to the way I love myself. BUT…I had a great awakening, y’all — found the courage to break up with my boyfriend (of only a few months) so I could take the much needed time to focus on the things that make BROOKE happy/successful.
If you are struggling in the same way, I suggest you let go of whatever seems to be holding you back from living out your purpose. A lot easier said than done in most cases, but always worth it in the end. If you are able to find balance in loving yourself, and loving your partner, then my hats off to you! Because healthy relationships require a lot of time and attention. Time and Attention that I don’t necessarily have to spare right now.
Anyways, I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to get this blog off the ground at first. I committed to doing one post each day and then……..became way to overwhelmed by it all.
I was also really tired of re-telling the same story. So here it is, prayerfully one last time:
Honestly, the last ten years of my life has been me constantly going back and forth trying to put all the pieces together; my mental breakdown left me so lost and broken, and I’d try so hard to make sense of everything that happened leading up to my hospitalization, and even thereafter. Of course this is going to sound crazy to those that don’t know what happens to a person who deals with mania but, in my manic episodes, my mind would literally take me into a different realm. I found that some of the places my mind wandered ended up being prophetic, as things later manifested. Some things were so spiritual that I still have yet to make sense of it all. And some things were literally just spiritual attacks. While time brought understanding to certain things, I recently learned that somethings don’t require my understanding — some things I just had to leave in the past rather than making something more of it and allowing myself to be weighed down by it. I was running in circles trying to develop my own understanding, and constantly getting in my own way. God had to show me that I couldn’t keep reopening old wounds and expecting to heal. Somehow, I had to let it all go, and let Him take control.
I’ve known for quite some time that there is a great destiny over life. I’ve had people from church prophesy this into my life, as well as strangers on the street that simply recognize my spirit. Not only that, but those things that happened in my manic moods revealed to me a great calling, as well as psychologists and doctors that recognized my potential. Of course, it’s always exciting to hear that you serve a great purpose on this earth, but it is terrifying as HELL when you have no idea what that purpose is. You kinda end up running far from that purpose in your search for it.
I eventually realized I got stuck in the exact trap that I was trying to avoid. Battling this mental illness, fighting the idea that there was something wrong with me, and I would never be able to live a normal life. My mom and dad constantly reminded me, “Brookie, I truly believe you can do anything you set your mind to, ” yet my mind was stuck, replaying tragedies that occurred years ago that caused me to dim my light. Somehow I had to snap out of it.
I recently had the opportunity to attend Jamie Foxx’s “25X2” birthday party. Lit is an understatement, y’all. I’m not saying any of this to brag or boast, but I actually have had plenty opportunities to party with some of your most favorite celebrities over the years. So these things usually aren’t that big of a deal to me. After being star struck over Bow Wow when I got to meet him at 11 years old, I realized that people are people, so whether it’s a homeless man on the corner, or Beyonce, I’m going to look up and smile. And probably not say a word if my spirit doesn’t lead me to say anything. Because the truth is, I am an introvert and really, really, really awkward at times.
Anyways, Jamie Foxx’s birthday was full of sooooo many A-listers. I don’t think I’ve ever been in the room with that many greats all at once. There energy in the room that night was unmatched; the love and authenticity that filled the space was uplifting. I remember pausing for a moment to give thanks and glory to God because I realized, once again, these people are simply just His children…living fearlessly as they go after their hopes and dreams. Just being in the room showed me that there was a greatness on this inside of me, and I was no different from all of these talented, successful individuals. I’m talking living legends y’all: Ice Cube, Snoop Dogg, Leonardo DiCaprio, Pharrell….the list goes on and on. The only thing that’s been keeping me from finding success in my dreams is the fear of fully going after what I want.
One of the reasons I had been down and out was because of the pressure of being in my late twenties, still living with my parents, and still having no trajectory of what career I would commit to in life. Yes, I love modeling, I love acting, I love all types of writing, I even love meeting new people. But the fear of inadequacy kept me from giving 100% of my effort to these areas of my life. The fear of being hurt again while building relationships kept me from getting close to people and building solid bonds. Even the fear of making a fool of myself and becoming uninspiring kept me from doing the exact things I wanted to do.
Trust me, if I were quitter, there would be no way I have a bachelor’s degree with my name on it right now. But, these last few months especially, I could feel myself giving up. My self-esteem was at an all-time low, and I figured I would just go back to school, get my credential and start teaching full-time. And live life just to get by.
But honestly, I would be sooooooooo unhappy with life if I took that path. I mean, I don’t even like other people’s kids like that if were keeping it completely real.
So with this great awakening, I decided that in 2018, I am going to grind 365 days of there year, until its time to do it again in 2019.
And I can only hope that as we move forward, you will find inspiration to do the same. Stop beating yourself up with negative self-talk, stop letting fear block you from your greatest blessings, and definitely let go of anyone that makes you feel that you are less than what you were created to be.
I am also deciding to take this blog in a different direction – one that doesn’t dwell in the past and encourages others to evolve by actually living. So a lifestyle blog, I guess? Or just a way to help me help you help me.
I’m really excited for 2018 and this next chapter of life. I am so to manifest dreams and ideas, and I am prepared for all of the ups & downs that come with it. I hope everyone reading this is ready too!
Let Go, Let God, and Let’s Grind!